I struggle with my faith on the daily. Everyday, I know that I am not alone in my struggles but they are unique to me. I do things that I know are against God's word but sometimes I do that out of selfishness. Sometimes I get angry with God and think, "well I might as well do what I want to do, I see other people who don't believe in God getting what they want and here I am still without.
One of the areas I really struggle with is sex. I am not sexually active. I want to follow God's word and wait till I am married before I engage in sex but it is hard to not focus on it when I am bombarded with it everyday. I am on the internet I see, half dressed women or have dressed men. I get spam from porn sites. On television everyone seems to be able to enjoy or complain about their sexual experiences. Here I am still 30 years old and have not had one single stable relationship and have not had sex. However my desire to have sex is very strong. I want so badly to have someone preferably a husband that I can sexually express myself with, be intimate with, share my love with. I have never had a single stable relationship ever.
I have never had a boyfriend, only guys that seemed to only want to get into my pants. I wish there was a pill I could take or something I could do to turn off this beast inside of me. Don't get me wrong my main focus in not fully on sex, it is however a part of it. I really trully want someone to love me. I want to have someone in my life that is considerate of my feelings, is attracted to me, has the patience to deal with my quiks and can fully love me. So far I have not yet experienced that. That puts a really damper on my self esteem because after all this time I have not yet found one person who has the aformentioned qualities. It makes me feel that no one wants me. That I am not desireable. That the only thing I might be wanted for is what is between my legs. That is very depressing. Part of me knows why I focus on this so much but I don't really feel ready to blog about that right now.
My Prayer for today: God, you are mighty, wonderous omnipresent and great. Lord I am stuggling right now. I am struggling to keep going forward on my christian walk. I see others who don't believe in you reap blessings and yes God, I at times catch myself getting jealous. sometimes say to myself, "Why God, why can't I have what they have?" I get frustrated because my patience is dwindling and I have been praying for certain things for a very long time.
Please God forgive me for my impatience and jealously I have felt toward other people. Guide me to be more patience. Develop me to be the Christian woman you would have me to be. Bless me with a husband that will be a man of God and will treat me with respect, care, consideration and love. Please God deliver me from this pain I have in my heart, I am trying to let go God but it's hard. Guide my steps oh God. I praise you and worship you -Amen.
